Football

NFL halftime shows ruled by indecipherable cacophony

Permit me to quote myself. … Permission granted!

For years I’ve written that in sports and TV, no idea is so inane that it’s unworthy of duplication then perpetuation. I used to write that with a dash of sarcasm. No more. It’s the fact, Jack.

From replay rules to the Rooney Rule, significant decisions are reached bereft of foresight. Then, despite their self-evident foolishness, they’re sustained — then copied.

Some historical perspective, as described by Antony Beevor in “The Fall of Berlin 1945”: When Joseph Stalin’s Red Army in 1945 reached the outskirts of Berlin, someone had a great idea. The Soviets trucked in more than 100 huge searchlights to blind the German defenders when that night’s massive artillery attack would begin.

So as the invaders opened fire, the smoke from the guns rose against the beams of light — blinding the Soviets as to what and whom they were firing.

When the smoke cleared, Soviet generals discovered that their initial bombardment had landed mostly on front-line Russian infantry.

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So they did it again.

Conditioned by Stalin to think of their soldiers as cannon-fodder and blind to adjust the range for accurate firing, they were committed to those searchlights to justify both their presence and Stalin’s military genius.

In recent years, TV’s football networks have been wedded to a similar, though less murderous plan, one born of blind foresight sustained by counterproductive stubbornness or just habit-formed ignorance and neglect:

The CBS NFL halftime crew of (from left) Phil Simms, James Brown, Bill Cowher, Nate Burleson and Boomer Esiason had to try to shout over the stadium speakers during halftime of Sunday’s Bengals-Chiefs game.
The CBS NFL halftime crew of (from left) Phil Simms, James Brown, Bill Cowher, Nate Burleson and Boomer Esiason had to try to shout over the stadium speakers during halftime of Sunday’s Bengals-Chiefs game.
CBS

For the biggest games, transport your time-filling/killing and insufferably banal pregame and halftime shows from their regular-season studios, and at great expense, to the site of the game.

These in-house sessions, often unbearable as you can’t hear what’s being said, become a colossal waste of time and money. Often, the panelists, as many as six, can’t even hear what one another are saying, thus have no idea when to force their usual in-studio forced laughter.

Sunday, at halftime of Bengals-Chiefs, the five dispatched CBS panelists had to shout through their winter overcoats but were still indecipherable, muffled by loud music from the public address system. Instant slapstick. Moe: “When I nod my head, you hit it.”

CBS, with previous opportunities to learn from, didn’t see this coming? Or didn’t care?

Fox’s 49ers-Rams halftime — its five panelists standing on the sidelines in nice weather — was more sufferable but one had to strain to hear them, also through or over music from the P.A. system.

Reader Chris Niemir: “Was it me, or did both halftime shows ruin some good music with commentators trying to talk over it?”

How do we distinguish racial tokenism from racial altruism? In the case of the NFL’s foresight-barren Rooney Rule, we can’t.

Brian Flores has to prove that the NFL, the Giants, Dolphins and Broncos are systemically racist in their hiring practices — a tough sell before an impartial judge or jury. That his feelings were hurt by rejections, even if predetermined, does not make for a credible legal plaint.

On the other hand, the Rooney Rule inevitably would backfire as it logically fuels suspicions of tokenism. Well-intended, it’s a woefully, predictably misguided rule — and from its start.

Thus, even if Flores, as he claims, learned that the Giants had already determined to hire Brian Daboll as its next coach, the Rooney Rule demanded that minority candidates be interviewed. The Giants adhered to that rule, no matter how absurd or purely symbolic.

His filed accusation that the Dolphins are a racist organization seems thin as he was their head coach for three seasons, hired from New England, where he was an assistant coach. The Giants? Does it count that they had a GM for nearly 11 years, Jerry Reese, who is black?

Where Flores totally loses fair-minded folks is when he raises that cheap, trivializing claim that the NFL and its teams are structured to treat blacks as “plantation” slaves. No slave had the right to quit, let alone sue.

But it could make a nice Nike ad campaign.

If I were King, I’d lose all “Keys to the Game” prologues. After “outscore the other team,” it’s mostly one-size fits-all.

Sunday, CBS’ Tony Romo opened with the “key” that Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes must remain “patient, patient, patient.” But that could only be achieved if he has the “time, time, time.”

To advise, for example, that Giants’ QB Daniel Jones stay “patient” chimes flat, as he has so often been forced to take the snap, then duck or sprint for his life.

Prior to Cincinnati-Kansas City, CBS’ Tracy Wolfson gave the Chiefs’ “Defensive Keys” as she said she gleaned from K.C.’s coaches. In order:

“Limit explosive plays.”

“Win contested balls.”

“Finish off [Cincy QB Joe] Burrow.”

As inside info goes, players’ favorite colors, pizza toppings and Pixy Stix flavors would have been at least as useful.

FS1 stat comes up empty

Idiots’ Picnic Graphic of the Week appeared Wednesday on FS1. In large lettering, it read, “Villanova: Most Points Allowed In First Half since 2020.” Knifepoint! We wouldn’t post that at knifepoint!

Reader and longtime pen pal Richard T. Monahan by now knows that ESPN’s sense of important context is — to be generous — zero.

As evidence of this season’s success of the Florida Panthers, ESPN noted their scoring differential by periods: First, plus-19. Second, plus-12. But, check it out, Chadwick, in the third period, they’re plus-24!

Given that they’re a first-place team, Monahan asks, “How many of those third-period goals are empty-net goals?”

Baby steps, Richard. Perhaps ESPN doesn’t know what empty-net goals are.

Peter Rosenberg
Peter Rosenberg
Jeff Skopin/ESPN

Does tough-talking, gutter-rap sycophant Peter Rosenberg take requests? How about today, as an ESPN Radio-NY “The Michael Kay Show” regular, he recite the N-word-larded lyrics of Roger Goodell’s Super Bowl headliner, Snoop Dogg, advocating the shooting murders of cops? Come on, tough guy.

First, Keith Hernandez’s No. 17 was described in a Mets press release as “iconic.” Now Mets announcers Gary Cohen, Ron Darling and Hernandez are described in a Mets/SNY release as an “iconic” trio. Just follow the signs to the Iconic Parkway.

This week’s rumors about Jim Harbaugh leaving Michigan to coach in the NFL brought to memory ESPN’s claim, several years ago, to have broken the story that LSU football coach Les Miles is leaving to coach Michigan. Later that day, ESPN took credit for breaking another story: Miles is staying at LSU.

I admit it. The final 2:13 of Ohio State-Purdue on Sunday on CBS took so long to complete — 16 minutes—- I missed it, lost to a book during one of the stops.

What to make of the no-COVID-vax deportation of Novak Djokovic before the Australian Open? From a reader’s friend, Bruce Calleri: “Say what you will about Australian tennis, but they sure know how to return a Serb.”

Artmotion U.S.A

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